In reflecting back upon my past pornography addiction, I see a clear motivation of me chasing relaxation through ejaculation.

When not making babies, my experience is that using ejaculation to relax never worked and never will work and in fact, ejaculation is the exact opposite of relaxation.


The energy in sex brings up intense charge that either flows and circulates like electricity in well-wired house (relaxed) or shorts out and blows fuses (where tension exists). Ejaculation is when the energy gets stuck somewhere in tension in our body and instead of circulating has to leave.

Our job then is to find the tension and be with it and relax into it.

In my experience, once the semen leaves my body, I having the feeling of tossing the source of energy that gives me the charge to engage sexually away and then there’s nothing to circulate. The charge then takes time to build up and that time increases the more I ejaculate especially over the course of shorter periods of time.

Ask a man how he feels after ejaculating – 10 min, 1 hour, 1 day. For me, the energy ultimately drops. Even though it was a brief moment of bliss, the “afterglow” usually transforms into a racy heart, fear, depression, doubt, or some combination of these until I find my ground again over what used to be the course of several weeks but now is shortened with the aid of my Chi Gong practice.

There are times to ejaculate, for example, when making a baby and maybe once in a while to not be fundamentalist and enjoy all our experiences in life.

My general experience though is that I enjoy intimacy more when I retain and circulate my power during sex and not chase the desire.

Chasing never brings peace. When we chase, it means that something is outside of us, that we don’t have, that we lack; therefore, we “want” it in the sense of desperation — meaning we are not ok with what is and the way it is. This sets up a dysfunctional habit of searching rather than embodying, relaxing and receiving. Ultimately, this ends up leaking energy. That then burns us out i.e. we burn up our internal water a.k.a some kind of deficiency as seen through the Chinese Medicine lens.

What are you chasing?

Consider that calling, envisioning and holding the frequency and then relaxing all the tension that arises are the opposite to chasing.

What really is relaxation?

Relaxation is a surrendering to feeling and sensation and is a process that takes time that we all are continually learning — a place where we never arrive but we always move towards.

There are so so so few people who I’ve met in person that are truly relaxed on a moment-to-moment basis regardless of the external circumstance. It’s an art and it requires a deep self-awareness and listening and never ends.

Why are people so fucking uncomfortable and not relaxed?

Distraction, running, fear, chasing, not being able to sit in a room alone with nothing whatsoever to do are some of what compose the first superficial layer of agitation on top of what’s blocking our relaxation.

And then more layers are revealed underneath this…

A deeper question still is why as a man did I want to relax so desperately in only this one particular way of ejaculating?

My capacity to be with what is the way it is and “capacitate” to the moment was being unconsciously deferred during my addiction. Compromising myself in the moment for the promise of later relief of the tension I was accumulating was the covert deal I made with myself. That doesn’t work. Deferring tension like deferring our national debt will ultimately come back around so best to face what we can now and in the moment.

What I have found towards the direction of health?

When I hold my semen and my genitals as the most precious powerful jewel of my Life and respect myself by not tossing my energy away and ride the energy wherever it takes me — that’s showing up as a man. It’s uncomfortable as fuck at times. And being a man is not meant to be comfortable. And its not meant to be tense either. My sexual energy as man is meant to move through me and live out something that serves Life in the bigger sense regardless of what others think.

Our job as men is to learn how our semen and genitals work and behave so we grow and balance our sexual energy spectrum based on our bodies and the needs of the moment — where one side of the polarity is charged alert consciousness and the other side of the polarity is surrendered, relaxed rejuvenation.

No one really can guide us here — its for every man to discover on his own.

Driven even further, just as men need to be re-educated in how to show up for women, women need to be re-educated in how to respect semen inside men as a battery that they can plug into and that sparks and charges their orgasmic-ness. Women can empower their man further in this way and thereby connect more deeply to their hearts by reflecting when their man is chasing ejaculation and nourishing when he is surrendering to his presence and relaxation.

This is the dance of Love and Intimacy and requires both sides to show up present, vulnerable, and patiently aware. It requires we drop the attachment to friction-tension fucking and/or validating our masculinity or femininity through sex.

Love and firmness,


Me and Quinn – Boulder, Colorado 2010-12