(Please read aloud and take your time. There’s a lot here to digest and move through you. What follows is a step-by-step exploration that cannot be rushed — only felt into over time.)
The “Couple Bubble” is a trap and its metaphor overly emphasizes commitment with no room to breathe and therefore creates suffocation and stagnation.
Healthy relatings need circulation that support the positive and negative poles within the woman and the man individually and also support when the poles come together to form the larger intimacy circuit of Unconditional Lovingness that ultimately inspires the big Heart of Life to beat that sings us into existence. Our hope is to inspire this Heart of Life with everything we do.
The horseshoe is the shape you are looking for.
The horseshoe is what you need to clarify and communicate (out loud) for yourself internally, in your intimate relating(s), and in the world around you.
The horseshoe has three components: boundary, threshold, and space. All are essential for health and vitality.
Step 1) Let’s talk individually, as you need to build this horseshoe for yourself first in order to proceed building the bigger horseshoe with your partner.
In order to build your individual horseshoe, you need to have a felt sense of the answers to these questions in your body. This takes time. Take the time.
What does Freedom feel and look like to me?
What does Devotion/Commitment feel and look like to me?
What does Safety feel and look like to me?
The boundary the horseshoe makes is the life you have clarified for yourself that is always changing. Rigidness is brittle. Over-flexibility warps and has no distinct form. Find the middle ground for yourself where clarify the structure that is flexible and firm. Let your feelings guide you in finding this. The following questions will help you begin to see and feel this boundary as an individual.
How does safety feel for me?
What are my boundaries?
What does my “no” feel like”? What does my “yes” feel like”?
What inspires me?
What is never ok with me?
What is valuable to me?
How do I need to be valued?
What do I need?
What do I want?
Is there a difference between my needs and wants?
The threshold is where you welcome energy in and give out energy unconditionally. Start noticing how attaching conditionality to your love creates manipulation and distortion in your Life and constricts the flow. Conditionality (co-dependency) is different than clearly communicated exchange and inter-dependency.
The boundaries of your horseshoe are what you use to guide people to your threshold and welcome them further into your Beingness. The boundaries are also a line of defense and protection and what you use to distance yourself from another. It depends on how you feel as to where you guide them.
The questions for the threshold are:
What would I like to welcome into my Life?
What feels trespassing into my Life?
How does giving unconditionally feel in my Life?
How does receiving feel in my Life?
The space the horseshoe creates is the place where magic happens and where you grow or wither away based on how you’ve embodied the answers to the previous questions. By defining the boundary and the threshold you now have the possibility for energy moving in and out of your life in a clear way.
The above inquires allow you to energetically create this space for Life to respond to you, fill you up, and empty you — which then gives you feedback as to how to adjust everything.
Remember that energy needs to move in and out of the space (circulation) — not be hoarded (stagnation). That’s why we have a horseshoe and not a bubble.
The main question for the space is — What am I inspiring in my Life?
For women, a question to further clarify the space is:
Am I fully expressing everything, nourishing, and loving on everything in my life where I feel deeply nourished in myself? If not, why and what do I need to adjust?
For men, a question to further clarify the space is:
Am I fully penetrating out with my purpose, planting my seeds and communicating myself and feeling my impact in my environment supporting Life and my Community? If not, why and what do I need to adjust?
Spending 10-15 minutes (or more) each day with your respective positive pole helps clarify your individual horseshoe. Women hold your throat, chest, heart, breasts. Men hold your genitals. Have no agenda, nowhere to go — your only job is to deeply feel and stay present with this part of your body and listen.
Now having begun your individual process, here’s how to move towards building the Horseshoe of Intimacy.
Step 2 – Feel into these questions for yourself — on your own.
What does Freedom feel and look like to me in relationship?
What does Devotion/Commitment feel and look like to me in relationship?
What does Safety feel and look like to me in relationship?
Why do I want to engage with her?
What is my purpose with her?
What is my purpose?
Where do I feel myself opening to him?
Where do I feel myself closing to him?
Is my expression valued and fully heard and received by him?
Does he feel me? Does he stay present with me?
Do I feel I want to love on his purpose?
Step 3 – Communicate your individual horseshoe fully to your partner.
Step 4 – Share your responses with your partner from Step 2.
Step 5 – Feel into these following questions together and communicate with each other your responses.
What is your relationship about? What do you want to inspire by being in relationship with each other?
How is safety supported in your relationship with each other?
How is freedom supported in your relationship with each other?
What are you both committed/devoted to in your relationship with each other?
What is this relationship committed and devoted to?
Your commitment to your Individual Horseshoe and nourishing your inner polarity creates the foundation to approach the Horseshoe of Intimacy. (Step 1)
Steps 2-4 creates the boundary for the Horseshoe of Intimacy.
Step 5 defines the threshold and clarifies the space for the Horseshoe of Intimacy.
Lastly, together begin a practice of worshiping your partner’s positive pole.
(I use the word worship deliberately as reflected by its etymology — having reverence for what is worthy. Our positive poles are where are power originates. We need to learn to worship these positive poles with the deepest reverence both for ourself and our partner.)
Men worship her voice, her throat, her breasts, her chest, her heart by holding her in these places for 10-15 minutes a day and allowing her to guide you where to be present and feel more. Women express yourself as this is happening as you need to. Men this is not about getting anywhere with her, it’s about learning how to tune into her, feel her, and stay present with her where she is at.
Women worship his genitals by holding them for 10-15 minutes a day and allow him to guide you in how they need to be held. Men communicate yourself as this is happening as you need to. Women this is not about changing anything about him, it is about learning how to love on him and nourish his purpose so he can clarify himself.
This whole exploration is about feeling. How you feel in your body will assist you. Your mind serves your body. Your body is your intelligence.
If you fully complete the above and would like to proceed further, then let me know and I’m happy to hop on a 20-min complimentary call and share a small ritual that you both can do to honor all your horseshoes. 🙂
If you get stuck and feel you can use my assistance feel free to Contact Me.
Good luck! Buena suerte!